Snake the Stuntman
by SamandMax
Summary: Snake becomes a stuntman for Burt Reynolds and soon the insanely funny/disturbing situations take place!


Snake the Stuntman  
  
Hello. I'm Solid Snake. I've been many things in my life. A soldier, a chef on Iron Chef, host of a children's TV show, Film Director, Videogame Developer, Rap artist, cop, a drunk, a detective, a contestant on Jeopardy, a stand up comedian, and much much more. But today, I'm here as something new. Over the past years, I've been hurt a lot of times. I was stabbed, poked, jabbed, impaled, gouged, scratched, shot, incineratred, blown up, kicked, punched, slapped, chopped, and sliced, and I finally found a way to make all this pain bring me money. I'm going to be a stuntman!  
  
Day 1  
  
Director: Ok Snake, welcome to the set. As you know, we're filming the movie "Punch-co" about a cop that goes undercover as a boxer. You'll be the stuntman for the movie's star, Burt Reynolds, who's playing Bernie McCallister, the undercover cop.  
  
Burt Reynolds: Hi, I'm Burt Re- Hey, you're that guy from Iron Chef. That's it, I'm killing you right here.  
  
Snake: I don't think so Smokie, because I'm going to kill you first.  
  
Snake grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over Burt Reynolds head. Burt Reynolds falls down to the ground unconcious.  
  
Snake: Hahahaha, I killed him.   
  
Burt: I don't think so, Smokie won't die like that.  
  
Burt leaps into the air and kicks Snake in the face. Snake flies back into a brick wall, his nose bleeding heavily.  
  
Snake: Hahaha, that didn't hurt!  
  
The brick wall Snake was leaning immediately fell on top of him after finishing the last sentence.  
  
Snake: Ugghhh....still didn't....hurt.  
  
Another brick wall behind Snake quickly topples over on top of him.  
  
Snake: Still....didn't....AUGGGGGHHHHH....hurt  
  
The two brick walls suddenly burst into flames.  
  
Snake: Ow.  
  
  
Day 3  
  
Director: Ok Snake, you'll get to do your first stunt today. In this scene, Bernie gets attacked by a group of radioactive monkeys in a back alley. Since we couldn't afford guys in suits, we got some real radioactive gorillas, so try to be careful.   
  
Snake: Where's Burt?   
  
Burt: Right behind you, dumbass  
  
Snake immediately turns around and punches Burt in the face.  
  
Snake: Ok then, let's film the scene.  
  
Snake walks into the alleway where three cages are sitting. There's a loud buzzing noise and the cages open. Three gorillas immediately leap out and tackle Snake to the floor.  
  
Director: Ok Snake, put on the fake blood.  
  
The gorillas continued to scratch, claw, and punch Snake in the face unil the Director called cut. Then, the gorillas grab Snake's body and run out the back door with it.  
  
Director: I knew I should have hired someone to put the gorillas back in the cages.  
  
  
Day 8  
  
Snake: Here I am.  
  
Director: Snake, what the hell happened to you?  
  
Snake: Let's see. The gorillas first took me to the zoo, where they repeatedly beat me up. Then, they managed to steal a car, and they beat me up inside the car. Finally, they drove the car to Mexico, where they threw me onto the road and repeatedly drove over me. Luckily, they missed my head with the tires and only crushed my insides.  
  
Director: How'd you get back here?  
  
Snake: I drove a Vespa all the way here.  
  
Burt: Hey, look who it is. The king of the monkeys. Hahahaha.  
  
Snake: You keep on laughing Burt, I'm going to get you back.  
  
Burt: How, with your monkey followers? Hahahahaha.  
  
Snake: Yes, actually.  
  
Three gorillas leap from the shadows and tackle Burt to the floor. They repeatedly punch him and then run off with his body.  
  
Director: Uh, ok...let's film your next scene Snake. This is a boxing scene, you'll be fighting against Big Punchy McKill, the best boxer in the world.  
  
Snake: Ok, sounds easy.  
  
Snake puts on his boxing gloves and steps into the ring. A huge man stands in the other corner with two giagatinic boxing gloves on.  
  
Big Punchy: Ok Snake, I'll try to go easy on you.  
  
Director: Snake, I forgot to mention we packed Punchy's boxing gloves full of cement, so when he hit you, it looks realistic.  
  
Snake: What? That's completely abs-  
  
Punchy's boxing glove cut Snake's sentance short as it knocks Snake straight into the ground.  
  
Snake: Holy Poly Rolly, what the hell was that. I think damaged is my brain.  
  
Punchy then hist Snake with an uppercut, which sends Snake flying over the ropes and onto the cement floor around the ring.  
  
Director: C'mon Snake, you're supposed to hit him back.  
  
Snake dizzily climbs back into the ring, his eyes are swollen shut from the punches.  
  
Snake: Here comes my hurricane punch Punchy, so get ready for pain!  
  
Snake lightly taps Punchy in the stomach, he looks up to see a glove coming crashing down onto his face. He collapses to the ground, unconcious.  
  
Director: Good work snake. But I think we should do another take.  
  
Snake: Uggghhhhaaa....  
  
Director: That's the spirit.  
  
  
Day 13  
  
Director: Ok Snake, today's the big final scene. Bernie has just won the fixed boxing match, so the Russian Mafia are chasing after him. I want to make this chase exciting and realistic, so I packed your car full of explosives and the steering wheel can only turn right.  
  
Snake: I don't see how that's realistic.  
  
Director: It isn't. Who said I want realism. Okay, Burt get in here.  
  
Burt Reynolds rolls in in a wheechair.  
  
Director: How are you doing Burt?  
  
Burt: I don't know, the monkey's took a piece of me brain.  
  
Director: Hahahah, you're still a funny guy.  
  
Burt: What funny?  
  
The director walks away to get the car ready. Burt Reynolds stands up from the wheelchair.  
  
Burt: Man, it hurts sitting in that chair all day.  
  
Snake: You bastard, you're not hurt.  
  
Burt: Of course not. I'm good friends with the monkeys, we went to Tijuana for some Martinis.  
  
Snake: Then why are you pretending to be hurt?  
  
Burt: Because I don't want to do this car driving scene, it's suicide.   
  
Snake: You'd better watch out Burt, I'm going to make you really need a wheelchair by the end of the day.  
  
Burt: You talk big Snake, but you couldn't hurt a fly with a giant fly bashing stick.  
  
Snake turns around and punches Burt in the face.  
  
Snake: Ok, I'd better go do my scene.  
  
Snake walks over to the director who's standing beside a car.  
  
Director: Ok, here's the basics. You'll drive the car straight, and right over the ramp we have set up. Then, you'll jump out of the car, and get into that tank. You'll then drive the tank over the bridge and into the water, where you'll presumably drown.  
  
Snake: Drown?  
  
Director: What? You have a problem with that?  
  
Snake: No, as long as I get paid extra for it.  
  
Director: Well, you won't so get in the car and let's film!  
  
Snake gets into the car and starts it up. The director shouts action, and Snake immediately turns the sterring wheel to the right and steps on the gas. He heads off the set and is immediately driving towards Burt Reynolds.  
  
Snake: Hope your wheelchair is ready, Burt!  
  
Snake hits Burt with the car which sends Burt flying onto the windshield. Burt gives him the finger, and then passes out.   
  
Snake: Hehehe, looks you didn't outrun the bandits Smokie.  
  
Burts eyes open and he has a big grin on his face.  
  
Burt: Get 'em monkeys!  
  
Monkeys leap from the shadow and jump on top of the car. They smash through the windows and throw Snake into the backseat. One monkey hits the car into drive and slams on the gas. Burt flies through the windshield and lands in the passenger seat.  
  
King Monkey: Ooohh Ahhhh Ooookk Akkkkkkk! (We will take the humans back to the lair, then we will eat them)  
  
Monkey #2: Ooooooookkk Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Oooooooooooohhhhhh (No, I think we should eat them here)  
  
King Monkey: Ahhhh Ahhhh Ahhhh Ooooooookkkkk (No, we must boil them in oil first)  
  
Snake: I think I'm going to have fun with these monkeys.   
  
  
Day 32  
  
Director: Hello. I'm holding this press conference today to announce that the film Punch-co, will never see the light of day, due to the mysterious disappearance of the film's star and his stuntman. But, I'd also like to announce another movie entitled "Monkeyz", a horror film about a group of monkey's who try to kill Burt Reynolds and Solid Snake.   
  
  
  
Monkeyz went on to become the biggest box office maker in the history of film. Sadly, the film's two stars were never seen again after the monkeys drove away with them. And the director of Monkeyz went on to film such movies as "Rocky 9: Rock fight alzheimers", "That Darn Talking Pie", and "Batman vs. Godzilla vs. Robocop." 


End file.
